life

Booo! Look at those eyeballs! Bold and lean circles noh! LOL! It’s the day before payday and times like this makes me feel horribly poor. Seriously, I only have like 150 pesos ($3) in my coin purse now which is good for one day consumption only (fare/meal/meal). This is an indication that I should stay inside my crib to avoid unnecessary trifling buys that just gives me the surprise of money drought afterwards. I’m almost broke so I’m just stuck net galoring in my claustrophobic room for the meantime. Huhuhu!

By the way friends, we visited the Church of Mama Mary in Simala here in Cebu yesterday. (I know what you’re thingking.. Of course I do visit those places noh..) Anyhoo, It’s been considered one of the miraculous pilgrim places for thousands of Filipino Catholic devotees. Word is that a number of devotees who visited the shrine had been granted petitions. It’s my first time to be there and I honestly wanna go back probably in a weekday to avoid congestion and long lines though it’s part of what we called sacrifice.  It’s one of my holiest days ever.. That’s all for now my chicaritos! Happy Sunday everyone! vi-a-v!

OOOMMMMGGGG! Are you guys feeling it already or it’s just me?.. ‘Ber’ months are so around the corner which means that everyone should be getting buzzzy noting down their own wishlists for Christmas.. I love it and it excites me much! It’s kinda premature though but I can’t wait for the season to come. Hihihi.. Do you imagine it already? Bright lights on the streets, Christmas carols everywhere, and not to mention SALE flags waving at you in the malls? Madman! Everything is just so full of spirit! *win wink*

One of the reasons why I so love this season is because it’s just the time of the year when people are just uberly good to me. Literally! They make me feel their compassionate existence after how many months of being such a ‘Casper’ for one definite reason – x’mas present.. Hahaha! You know what I mean here.. And let’s admit it! We love receiving gifts and we even jokingly ask any familiar faces we meet for a little something and we are Daddy Santa ourselves too. Yuletide season is one big occasion wherein the materialistic side of us just breaks out. Agree? Yey! We tend to let loose of our indulgence and splurge into things we don’t usually do or have. No matter how tight the budget seems as long as we get what we can afford to have then let the green lights on! Go!Go!Go! More of rewarding ourselves I would say after straight long months of painstaking work. And we deserve that! Everyone does! See, there’s so much to love about Christmas than just sob or worse whine due to life’s mischances. Just note this, it’s bittersweet no matter what.. hihihi..

Oh my, isn’t amazing how time flies so fast?.. Month of the ‘Virgins’ is here and then the ‘Beer’ month and one more month for Santa Claus to come into town! Weeewww! I can’t wait! Hope you do as well!

As always,

vi-a-v!
moi bena~!

It’s over.. Not the revelation part but just the lunch itself.. teehee.. If I only have the balls to confess, I could have done it right there and then but I’m a coward brown fag! So that explains it.. Once again.. I let it pass..

The lunch was all fine casual and thank goodness his 2 invitees backed-out! Yabayabadooo! LOL! I really don’t like strangers in such occasion. Tendency is, it will turn out to be a one fatal Q&A portion. You’re cornered and most of the time you spill a lot of lies. Like me having a girlfriend and those sorts.. Of course, I wouldn’t say ‘yes’ and reason is I know how expensive having a gf is since ladies are just so freakinly materialistic.. Treat you here and there.. Spend your money money on this and that.. I know coz I’m a lady too.. Hahaha! I really find it sooo funny whenever someone who doesn’t know the feminine me asks if I have a girlfriend and those chick-boy Qs. Bad bitches! That’s all I can say.. Innocence of me makes you hilarious! LOL

My outfit for lunch: black skinny jeans, brown leatherette shoes, semi-fit blue horizontal stripes polo shirt and an invertible red/grey jacket. Overall, so lesbian! LOL! I waited for almost 10 minutes before he arrived. That gave me time to do some thinking. Will I hit the bull’s eye already? Check or not? Yes or noh? Olahlah or nadanadah? And then I saw him coming towards me and all of the sudden I felt awkward and my heart started to pound. Crazy! I’m being uncomfortable to my own father. My mouth was tongue-tied and was holding my phone most of the time like having a text brigade and all those diversionary moves. What a foolish feeling and I couldn’t believe it! He initiated the conversation by asking how am I. I answered back and ask him the same question. The food came and we started eating and the chit-chat went smoothly and the awkwardness vanished and then I started to breathe normally. Thank goodness.. God knows how it made my senses normal again..

While we’re having this beautiful lunch, I can’t help ask myself what have I done to just let my father and the rest of my family be so blinded of my real chica life. Drama itetch.. Really.. I know that I’m being so unfair to them and that’s because of my fear with so many things in life and one of which is family rejection. You know those things when families despise their own blood if they found out their homosexuals. I just don’t want that to happen to me. *sigh* But reality has it. Whatevs! I love my family so much but this I’m-a-gay matter is eating me up.. I actually had many attempts of breaking my own silence but it turned out to be not the right chance I guess.. Time will reveal when it’s right.. Oh well, I’m just so happy that I saw my papa and had lunch together and chit-chat even just a bit.. Somehow there’s sense of completion in me.. I love my family so much.. *tears*

That’s all..

PS: You might be wondering why I let the confession pass. I just feel it’s not the right time yet. And also, I don’t wanna jinx his stay here with my own drama noh.. Goodluck nlng talaga!

What a surprise! Late last night, my father called me and letting me know his presence here in Cebu for a 3-day seminar. With that, he attempted to invite his ‘beautiful son’ for a dinner and the prodigal side of me said ‘i can’t since i have work at 1:30am and haven’t gotten enough sleep yet.’ Twisted liar! I actually don’t have work the morning after. It’s just that I was not prepared to morph into being ‘Ben’ from ‘Bena’.

For the past years, it has always been a pretty tough situation of holding myself back from showing the flowery me to my own family. As much as I wanted to show them how kikay I am and how I’m interested with bags and shoes and skinny jeans and all about sissyfication. I just couldn’t! 23 years + + + and it’s the same old feeling. Sometimes, I deserve to be imprisoned of carrying this erroneous guilt. I’m unfair to them!

PS: My father just called now inviting me for lunch together with 3 of his colleagues.. Goodluck to me now! I hate this! And god knows how I wish to be blown away! *sigh*

To my dear readers, I just wanna let you know I haven’t fully recovered yet from my colds and fever and that I’m in a good so-so condition just for now.. So I’m taking advantage of my full-pack energy to go blogging and do some random chicas here and there and I know how much you miss me already. Char!

Oh well, you know that a couple of days ago I was caught in a short-term dramatic moment of locking myself up in my room, which I personally think was a pretty strong thing of getting myself into deep contemplation. There are just times you have to set yourself up into such mode of epoche to help you straighten up some bended mindsets you feel you have in your life. Self-recollection as I call it and it did some relief in my part. Simply unexplainable but worth the drama.

On the lighter note, I just wanna share these beautiful pictures from our kingdom animalia.

Look at them. They’re so cute and so care-free! Isn’t amazing how the hippo and the big tortoise share such sweetness knowing that they look different with each other? That’s what friendship is all bout people. Getting paralleled despite race and gender. Hope this serves something for us. Isn’t heart-melting seeing those pictures? For me it really is coz it just conveys much! Til my next post..

vi-a-v!
moi bena!

Oh well, yesterday was another boring restday I spent in my room wallowing self-pity again. LOL! It’s actually pretty insane locking myself up in the four corners of my crib contemplating all these and that when I could have done something worthy. *deep sigh* I’m sad. Really. I’m kinda lost here and my mind is just preoccupied with so many things I wanna do but don’t know how to get it started. We know how pathetic it is being into moments wherein you’re urge to do something but unsure what it is? Crazy right? And that’s exactly what I’m feeling now. It seems like I’m loosing grip of the things around me. Karma is dat chu? Maybe it’s payback time for the bad stuff I did for years of no confession. I’m a bad girl ya’know! Hehehe! Honestly, I hate it when I get myself caught in this condition. It’s so heavy! *sigh* I think everyone is just entitled to go through something like this once in a while for a reason… I trust HIM..

That’s all I wanna say for now and I need to regain my composure back..

vi-a-v

For the past months of being contained with so many excessive mischances in my life, I learned that someone’s reaction on things and changes does make a difference in terms of how that person is going to live the rest of his/her time each day. It’s a pretty simple thought that we basically kinda fail to embrace or should I say practice. You see, human behavior is one of the most complex attributions to oneself and science may have attempted to uncover the mystic body chemistry this common observable fact makes yet it fell short of hitting the bulls-eye. Woohhhh! What did I just say? Isn’t so science noh? Lol!

Anyhoo… As I was saying, human reaction hits big time to oneself and as far as my senses is concerned and my self-observation on it, that is indeed an assertion. There are two sides that conceal the creativity of response. It may either be positive or negative and these two depend on how we conceive our own feedback as to what’s going on. Our emotions allowed us to react, to express how we really feel. On the other hand, our perception sums it all. This is the make or break point. It’s where the posi- and nega- comes in. This is the moment if we’re gonna blow it up because of what that person had said or keep it low like a dignified bitch. Sometimes, we tend to react much even on simplest did/mistakes/whatever we or other people do. That’s human nature then. But reacting too much place us in a hanging position.

I’ve been through simple situations (and you do as well) which supposedly require an effortless response but I approached it with a bang, thus affecting my swinging moods for the rest of my day. Consider loosing your pen when you badly need it. Reaction may vary from the type of person you are but initially for me, impatient as I am, would be crazy like hell, murmur and murmur thinking where I placed it and then voila! a bunch of profanities come out from my foul mouth, and so on and so forth. See? Everything has just been screwed up!

It really is hard to control our very own emotion but it does help if we just stay calm and make an attempt to somehow do a just evaluation before giving such a feedback. Admit it, we are awful of being such a pretentious lamb. We don’t like hearing things that basically disinterest us, no one will I think. But isn’t nice to not let loose of our reactions heavily like there’s no tomorrow of buying a new pen, straightening up our mistakes, childishly reacting to someone’s viewpoint on something or whatsoever? This is the question that we should ask ourselves before hitting the roller coaster ride. Allow us to be in charge of our reactions and see if it’s gonna be worth it punching one’s face or breaking rules to suffice our emotional greed to act upon on it. Express what your heart and mind desire…. with CARE at least…